The Meg is a major motion picture about Jason Statham fighting a megalodon. That is an inherently stupid idea. It's also hilarious that a group of producers thought this was a concept worth $150 million dollars. And as the cherry on top, The Meg has been delayed and discussed as a potential blockbuster for so long that it seemed destined to fail. For the longest time, I had zero expectations for this movie. Honestly, the whole project is just crazy.
But when I sat down to watch the damn thing last week, I was truly, unironically excited. The marketing for The Meg sold a movie that fully understood its own absurdity. After all, the first trailer was set to "Beyond the Sea" and featured Statham dramatically saying "My God....it's a megalodon." This seemed like a perfect slice of tongue-in-cheek stupidity. It's a bloody, insane shark comedy! We don't see many of those these days. Or maybe ever.
Unfortunately for those of us who got our hopes up from one good trailer, the moments of glorious idiocy are few and far between in this sluggish wannabe blockbuster. The film veers on the edge of comic bliss, but it ends up falling into a cycle of repetition that it just can't shake. By the third act, it's just another Jaws retread, without the danger or tension of Spielberg's classic masterpiece.
Yes, Statham stabs the big shark in the eye while flying through the air. Yes, the shark eats a lot of people. No, it's not enough to make this even remotely compelling.
In an action-packed opening scene, we're introduced to Statham's John Geostor....I mean, Jonas Taylor, who is in the midst of a stressful rescue operation deep underwater. As some kind of monster bangs on the outside of the deep sea craft (foreshadowing alert), Jonas saves several lives before two of his best friends get stuck in the submarine. Faced with an unthinkable choice, the expert diver closes the hatch, saving the other men and leaving his friends to die in a fiery explosion. This choice haunts Jonas, and it drives a wedge between him and colleague Dr. Heller (Robert Taylor). With no desire to get back in the water, Jonas retreats to a live of solitude in Indonesia.
Long after the rescue op, we're introduced to Morris (Rainn Wilson), a geeky dolt of a tech billionaire who is funding research on the Mana One platform. Dr. Zhang (Winston Chao) believes there's a location deeper than the Mariana Trench, and he intends to explore the ecosystems that could lie below. With the help of Suyin (Li Bingbing), his beloved daughter, the ambitious scientist sends a team of researchers down to the greatest depths in recorded history. The mission is a success- until they're attacked by something horrible. Options are minimal, so Zhang and colleague Mac (Cliff Curtis) know there's only one man to call for a rescue mission. Jonas initially refuses, but with his ex-wife (Jessica McNamee) at the bottom of the ocean, his good nature gets the best of him.
And then he finds a megalodon. You can pretty much guess what happens from there.
There's a way to make this movie work, either in a satirical way or a deadly serious manner. But the film is stuck in limbo, reluctant to commit to those two tantalizing options. If director Jon Turteltaub and screenwriters Dean Georgaris and Jon and Erich Hoeber wanted to make a straight parody, this whole thing needed to be infinitely more ridiculous. And if they wanted to go the straight-faced route, the thrill count for The Meg should have been quadrupled. Instead, the film is neither engrossing nor amusing, settling in the range of just plain dull. It's a chore to watch, which is something I never thought I would say about this summer's giant shark movie.
The film is so unbelievably banal that even Statham has no way of saving it. The actor's particular charm was perfected in Paul Feig's Spy, where his unique British accent and wide-eyed mannerisms were used to craft a buffoonish secret agent. Some of that comic timing has seeped over to the Fast & Furious franchise, but Statham is on autopilot in this film, running through the motions with only an occasional wink or nod to the audience. Sure, our gruff hero has a few nice scenes with Suyin and her daughter (Shuya Sophia Cai), but this entire premise should have provided more opportunities for self-awareness or even a few cheesy one-liners. It all just feels rather straight-forward, with only the intermittent deep dive into the world of quasi-comedic insanity.
Eventually, The Meg just devolves into a series of rescues and hunts, as characters either fight the creature or attempt to save one another. Someone falls into the water, then Jonas saves them, and then it just happens all over again. When the film feels like switching things up, Turteltaub throws Jonas to the literal sharks, allowing other characters to get in on the heroics. But when that's your concept of variety as a storytelling tool, you're in a pretty terrible spot.
If the narrative is weak, the filmmaking may be even weaker. There's no shortage of awkward cuts and baffling edits on display here, often moving the story along in a jarring fashion. The Mana One research center is spacious and easy on the eyes, but the murky effects hide the titular main attraction in all its prehistoric glory. Not to state the obvious, but all of this adds up. The film presents a series of baffling choices, each one dragging the whole affair further into the depths of tedium. The plot moves in circles like a shark afraid to lunge for its prey, losing all forward momentum in failed attempts to create tension. Even the big payoff moments struggle to engage in a sufficient way; I chuckled at Statham's big kill, but the silliness felt tame.
Put in more concise terms, The Meg is boring and I wanted to take a nap by the halfway point. There's no reason a dopey piece of schlock like this should be so profoundly uninteresting, yet Turteltaub consistently finds a way to turn it into a snooze fest. And look, there's nothing I hate more than using "boring" as a superlative to tear down a project.
But when the boot fits....
THE FINAL GRADE: D (3.3/10)
Images courtesy of Warner Bros. Pictures
But when I sat down to watch the damn thing last week, I was truly, unironically excited. The marketing for The Meg sold a movie that fully understood its own absurdity. After all, the first trailer was set to "Beyond the Sea" and featured Statham dramatically saying "My God....it's a megalodon." This seemed like a perfect slice of tongue-in-cheek stupidity. It's a bloody, insane shark comedy! We don't see many of those these days. Or maybe ever.
Unfortunately for those of us who got our hopes up from one good trailer, the moments of glorious idiocy are few and far between in this sluggish wannabe blockbuster. The film veers on the edge of comic bliss, but it ends up falling into a cycle of repetition that it just can't shake. By the third act, it's just another Jaws retread, without the danger or tension of Spielberg's classic masterpiece.
Yes, Statham stabs the big shark in the eye while flying through the air. Yes, the shark eats a lot of people. No, it's not enough to make this even remotely compelling.
In an action-packed opening scene, we're introduced to Statham's John Geostor....I mean, Jonas Taylor, who is in the midst of a stressful rescue operation deep underwater. As some kind of monster bangs on the outside of the deep sea craft (foreshadowing alert), Jonas saves several lives before two of his best friends get stuck in the submarine. Faced with an unthinkable choice, the expert diver closes the hatch, saving the other men and leaving his friends to die in a fiery explosion. This choice haunts Jonas, and it drives a wedge between him and colleague Dr. Heller (Robert Taylor). With no desire to get back in the water, Jonas retreats to a live of solitude in Indonesia.
Long after the rescue op, we're introduced to Morris (Rainn Wilson), a geeky dolt of a tech billionaire who is funding research on the Mana One platform. Dr. Zhang (Winston Chao) believes there's a location deeper than the Mariana Trench, and he intends to explore the ecosystems that could lie below. With the help of Suyin (Li Bingbing), his beloved daughter, the ambitious scientist sends a team of researchers down to the greatest depths in recorded history. The mission is a success- until they're attacked by something horrible. Options are minimal, so Zhang and colleague Mac (Cliff Curtis) know there's only one man to call for a rescue mission. Jonas initially refuses, but with his ex-wife (Jessica McNamee) at the bottom of the ocean, his good nature gets the best of him.
And then he finds a megalodon. You can pretty much guess what happens from there.
There's a way to make this movie work, either in a satirical way or a deadly serious manner. But the film is stuck in limbo, reluctant to commit to those two tantalizing options. If director Jon Turteltaub and screenwriters Dean Georgaris and Jon and Erich Hoeber wanted to make a straight parody, this whole thing needed to be infinitely more ridiculous. And if they wanted to go the straight-faced route, the thrill count for The Meg should have been quadrupled. Instead, the film is neither engrossing nor amusing, settling in the range of just plain dull. It's a chore to watch, which is something I never thought I would say about this summer's giant shark movie.
The film is so unbelievably banal that even Statham has no way of saving it. The actor's particular charm was perfected in Paul Feig's Spy, where his unique British accent and wide-eyed mannerisms were used to craft a buffoonish secret agent. Some of that comic timing has seeped over to the Fast & Furious franchise, but Statham is on autopilot in this film, running through the motions with only an occasional wink or nod to the audience. Sure, our gruff hero has a few nice scenes with Suyin and her daughter (Shuya Sophia Cai), but this entire premise should have provided more opportunities for self-awareness or even a few cheesy one-liners. It all just feels rather straight-forward, with only the intermittent deep dive into the world of quasi-comedic insanity.
Eventually, The Meg just devolves into a series of rescues and hunts, as characters either fight the creature or attempt to save one another. Someone falls into the water, then Jonas saves them, and then it just happens all over again. When the film feels like switching things up, Turteltaub throws Jonas to the literal sharks, allowing other characters to get in on the heroics. But when that's your concept of variety as a storytelling tool, you're in a pretty terrible spot.
If the narrative is weak, the filmmaking may be even weaker. There's no shortage of awkward cuts and baffling edits on display here, often moving the story along in a jarring fashion. The Mana One research center is spacious and easy on the eyes, but the murky effects hide the titular main attraction in all its prehistoric glory. Not to state the obvious, but all of this adds up. The film presents a series of baffling choices, each one dragging the whole affair further into the depths of tedium. The plot moves in circles like a shark afraid to lunge for its prey, losing all forward momentum in failed attempts to create tension. Even the big payoff moments struggle to engage in a sufficient way; I chuckled at Statham's big kill, but the silliness felt tame.
Put in more concise terms, The Meg is boring and I wanted to take a nap by the halfway point. There's no reason a dopey piece of schlock like this should be so profoundly uninteresting, yet Turteltaub consistently finds a way to turn it into a snooze fest. And look, there's nothing I hate more than using "boring" as a superlative to tear down a project.
But when the boot fits....
THE FINAL GRADE: D (3.3/10)
Images courtesy of Warner Bros. Pictures
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